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Peace
-Em

Stress

It does crazy things to you. Nothing sounds more satisfying than to recede into one's own skin and hide from the world. However, at the same time there is no place that feels more constricting and frustrating than one's own skin. Yeah, it's a punkish paradox, but you can only learn to deal. And pray that you don't hurt anyone else in the process.

There's is also this constant tension between what is desired and what is reasonable in life. That in and of itself is a headache apart from any other outside influences.

Denny's helped. So did Josh's jokes and help with my script writing. Sara sang snipits of "Business Time" and Karissa harmonized . . . sheer goodness.

Ok it's time to write. Woe is me dang it.

A simple Something

When God is knocking at your door, open it. If you're lucky he'll break it down for you if you're too lazy to answer it. It's always the crazy times. Pre-finals, sounds like an excellent time. I might be blessed with the chance to minister in a position I have only dreamed about since Freshman year. Giddy? yes.
Nervous? incredibly.
Humbled? To the floor.
Letting go of being an RA is becoming more and more difficult than I thought it would be but my girls, ready or not, need to start making strides of their own. I can't wait to see what they do.
Oh Lord, please, please, PLEASE keep me in check. This is all you. and if it's me . . . kick it!

Blood Diamond

Another film, a continuing conviction.

Learning breeds awareness; awareness demands response.

Those are my own words. As they say in the film "It's a little hard to go back to sipping lattes and talking about interest rates."

Just one of those days.

Today I went to Mass. The article I'm reading, and preparing a thesis on, for Theology had me thinking about rituals and how they shape Christian life. For some reason I've been in an overtly gutsy mood the past 28 hours (yes, I counted) and decided to reach back to my early Christian roots and attend Mass.

It was beautiful.

Palm Sunday. Reverence. Song. Prayer. Organized and Communal.

There were no paxil plagued praises. I was not pressed to emote as a form of worship. As a woman plagued with estrogen I display unwarranted emotion at an already uncomfortable rate. This is not a criticism of Evangelical worship, but a thought about what it means to really praise God on a day to day basis. Worship is more than just a song that makes us "feel something." Worship is a daily task of pursuing Him above happiness and our own desires.

Though the entire event was not "emotionally charged" I felt more convicted and in awe of my savior than I had in a long time. In this instance it was the stripping of flash and emotion that allowed me to trust the depth of response I felt.

I received communion and it meant more to me than it has in a very long time. I might have made a spiritual faux pas but I don't think they can excommunicate me for being gone for seven years and forgetting the Apostles Creed.

I may be an Evangelically reformed Catholic, but together we may all be part of the blessed catholic church. Together.

I also went on an adventure and rode my bike to a nearby starbucks. I even bought a cheap plastic basket for the front of my mountain bike. Awkward, useful, and colorful . . . yep, that's me in a nutshell.

Why do I sin?

Augustine wrote that when he was young he stole pears. He wasn't stealing them because he wanted the pears. He stole because he loved sinning.

I was upset really late last night. You ever wonder if God gets tired of you falling at the alter for the same thing? Eventually ya get to thinking, I'm not even as torn about it as I used to be, this is bad. Then when I finally decided to flee to the word I read Romans and for the purpose of this post I'm focusing on 1:18-32. I knew exactly what I was doing and it sufficiently scared the pants off of me.

I don't want to be given over to my sin. I want the truth of God. Theology and RATS (Resident Assistant Training Seminar) yesterday had me thinking about martyrs and God's goodness. Following Christ requires at least a figurative death to a life of sin that is congruent with the world. It can also be a death to the culture we once called our own or the complete giving up of freedoms we once thought necessary and beneficiary, but we now consider them loss.

7But whatever was to my profit I now consider loss for the sake of Christ. 8What is more, I consider everything a loss compared to the surpassing greatness of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord, for whose sake I have lost all things. I consider them rubbish, that I may gain Christ. (Philippians 3:7-8) 1

God's goodness is worth pursuing. It is better than being turned over to our sin. I know I've begged God to not let me go. I was scared. Fear of punishment should not be my motivation, though I admit it has been at times, instead I should desire the goodness of God. This is an uphill battle that is worth ever triumph and grace for every fall. Who's with me?

1 The original context is about putting confidence in those who were circumcised and wrongly thought themselves better in the eyes of God. But I think it's not too much of a stretch to use this verse in this setting as well.)

The Offence

Today I read Kierkegaard. Yeah I know, existentialist thinking, but still Christian and with some pretty darn good ideas for the church.

Suffice it to say. Christ was, is, and should be offensive. And as Christians that does not necessarily mean that we are to offend, the gospel does that on its own (believe me, I got offended today). One of my classmates said is well in his thesis when he wrote,

"It is only by restoring the offensiveness of Jesus Christ's life and ministry that an authentic Christianity can be fostered, for faith believes despite offense." - Evan Persons

I will go out on a limb to say that domesticated Christianity is killing the faith walk of the church. Am I making generalizations? Yes. But am terribly far off regarding the Evangelical church? I don't think so. I like what S.K. says in Training In Christianity,

"The decisive mark of Christian suffering is the fact that it is voluntary, and that is the possibility of offence for the sufferer. We read of the Apostles that they forsook all to follow Christ."

Have we lost the voluntary action of giving it all up to follow Christ. What on earth does that look like? Is it what Jesus told the rich young ruler? Are we ALL to sell ALL of our possessions, give to the poor, and follow in faith. Where do we go? What do we do? It's a different calling for all isn't it?

This is a difficult matter to reconcile into the "American Dream" which I think is very un-Christian, but that's another can of worms. So with the American mindset how do we treat the offense of a willingly suffering servant savior? Why on earth would God become man? It is offensive, but on the other side of offense I find faith. He is what he is and I know not why, I only know that he has saved me and for that I can only hope to respond in the way that I have been "predestined" (that one is for you Bryan, even if I cringe in typing it. I'm screaming offence and yet I was so upset about getting offended earlier . . . strange isn't it? Yet still, strangely comforting).

You've made it through. Congrats and may you be blessed as you work through your own offence. Faith is worth it. Trust me.